In case you didn’t run away after reading the title, let us begin on this beautiful journey that’ll make you a millionaire overnight. I promise. I have done that for hundreds of people who thank me to this day.

If you believe I’m lying, let me add few fake testimonials from people, who do not exist, telling you how I changed their life.

Nitesh is awesome. He knows everything about the brilliant topic he is talking about. First generic bubbly girl with a beautiful face.

I had given up hope. That was until I met Nitesh. Now I can say without any doubt, Nitesh’s course for amateurs like me indeed works. It is the best one million dollar you’ll ever spend. The first generic bald fat middle aged man whose life was saved by blogging.

sarcasm one of the many services i offer

What? You’re still here?

You won’t leave unless I tell you my secret, right? Well, here it is.

I’ll tell you one little secret. That’s it. You do not need to worry about anything else.

On the blogosphere, every dedicated one hour and comment counts to one follower. Simple. You do not have to worry about hundred little tweaks, a thirty-day checklist or eight simple steps.

Read someone’s words and comment.

And for the love of god, do not comment, “Brilliant post. True. Beautiful. You know your subject.

To the person who wrote it, it sounds something like this, “Hey idiot. I didn’t read one word of what you published but I still have to show that I clicked the link. So, you know, I am an ungrateful idiot but why don’t you give my blog a read too?”

Do not be an ungrateful idiot. Please. See, I am even saying please.

Unless that is what exactly you are going for. Oh, I am going for that. So you’re warned for the umpteenth time now.

But what people tend to forget is simpler than that tactic. Relationships take time to develop, you idiotic trend follower.

I stopped drinking coffee for good now i just drink it for evil

In this age of digital networking, people believe that all it takes to become friends is one common acquaintance and few text messages over their favorite social media messenger. Let me clarify something for you, relationships take time.

What is the bloody point of having hundreds of acquaintances and still feeling alone or misunderstood? I mean, heck, is it that complicated to understand?

I had a little discussion with my wife today, well it wasn’t so little, but I’ll tell you the gist. I am a huge fan of TV sitcom, “How I Met Your Mother.” Now the sole reason for that is the relationship of Lily and Marshall. Read a little about it, I do not have the time of explaining the plot.

Now, I’ve seen hundreds of TV shows. Literally hundreds. And out of all of them, it is the only show in which they showed two characters who had the same solid relationship from season one episode one to the series finale, in this case, season nine episode twenty-four. A total of two hundred and eight episodes.

In this generation of over clichéd plots, believe me, that speaks volume.

Now, why do I love that TV show so much? Well because I’m a sucker for strong solid relationships. Yeah, I know I’m a nerd, a boring Joe whose life has no excitement. How pathetic that is.

Oh, and in case anyone missed it that is a clichéd plot device for most young adult shows. An academically gifted student whose life had no excitement until our lead hottie entered the picture. And then suddenly, our comical nerd starts wearing leather and drives Harley Davidson.

Wow! Another brilliant plot.

How the hell did I get here? I was talking about increasing followers, wasn’t I? Damn, I digress too much. No doubt I’m not a famous celebrity blogger.

Lily and Marshall. That level of comfort comes after years of bearing with each other, in case anyone was wondering. I just don’t understand why that is not appreciated. Why the fuck people want an action-packed, over clichéd, crime thrillers when in reality, they most probably philosophize when they sit in the bathroom at morning? I mean, fuck.

I want to be a nice person but everyone is so stupid

Why the hell do they want sturdy relationships in their life but expect a twisty romantic triangle on their favorite TV show? Are you really going to become the next Jason Bourne, Jack Reacher or Lara Croft? No. You’ll most probably wake up tomorrow, stare at the ground and wish to sleep for few more minutes. You’ll eat the same old breakfast you’ve been eating your whole life and you’ll philosophize in the bathroom. Don’t laugh. It is true.

The triviality of life is beautiful. Stop making it look pathetic. It isn’t. It will never be. And if you still think there is something wrong with that, let me clarify something for you. There is nothing wrong with boring people like me, most probably, there is a fault in you.

Adios, idiota.

I wonder what is darker, my soul or my coffee.

This ridiculousness was sponsored by Sketches by Nitesh, the brainchild of another caffeine addict who writes ballads for coffee (The Ballad Of coffee). Sometimes rants (Rants Of a Coffee-nerd) too. An addict who believes himself to be the hundredth reincarnation of greatest God ever.

Like ever.

Oh and coffee. Like a shit load of coffee.

Death before decaf

Black comedy isn’t for the faint-hearted.

© Nitesh Mishra

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81 thoughts on “How To Increase Your Followers – Another Clickbait Title To Make You Read My Post.

  1. How about a comment saying, “LOL”? Is that being rude? Because that is exactly what I want to type as I am rolling on the floor. I know you had serious points, but I’m still focused on all the sarcasm and dark humor. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Since we already follow each other I have no shame in just saying – great post haha Your writing channels the way I think, I really do enjoy each read. but you are so right- it’s all about relationships. As a side note I am also a sucker for Lily and Marshall- yay strong relationships that are never ever portrayed like anywhere else in tv!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Over the past two years, I’ve fostered 8 – 10 solid relationships on wordpress. If I put similar effort into the off-line world, you could probably fill a high school gym with my friends. This is a rough place to forge relationships. So many people are only commenting looking for follows rather than connections. It seems like it should be natural to have deeper relationships here. I know more about the hopes and dreams of my fellow bloggers than I do about the people in my immediate circle. So my point is… I don’t know what my point is.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Millions of bloggers, millions of approach. So the bloody point indeed is, there isn’t any point.
      I personally do not prefer writing for the sake of writing. I write so that I can interact in comments. Most of creativity is fuelled this way.
      I’m not chatty, which is why I prefer meaningful conversations. Those are only possible with people who have common interest. And the best place that I’ve found for that is this blog.
      Not my classroom, or my lab, or my locality.
      I can talk to word addicts only on this platform.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I do like your humor and love the coffee cups. I know that many people would get to your first f-bomb and then leave. Perhaps it’s my age and others in their fifties. Your post is witty and would be equally entertaining without that particular word. It adds nothing except a bump in the road to turn people away before they can even find out that you are entertaining. I think the younger generation thinks we are rude to point out vulgar words, and my generation thinks they are rude for using them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No. It’s perfectly sound advice and point of view. It is just that I have developed this informal blogging style, you know. I try to type the way I talk. Sometimes, I cuss in-between. I do not find you rude for pointing that out. And while we are at it, let’s use a better euphemism then. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Very funny post but right on! I wish everyone who is searching for that magical piece of advice to make their posts lucrative will read your post first. The truth is: post for original content and enjoy the few good relationships that come along by truly interacting with others by actually reading their posts. And respect the people who follow you by giving them original content, not a bunch of trivial lies and fluff! Give people something to think about!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Oh you nailed it in your own comical way. Life is all about buildind solid relationships. My fiance uses this philosophy in her business life and you dont get the 500000$ grant with one lunch meeting that shit takes time it takes lunches emails phone calls and showing up to other people fundraisers.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. i’ve always liked those sitcoms that have the reliable sidekick dad to the strong & difficult mom. the guy that is always there–seems like nothing special, but is actually a rock. like in a good way. for the mom & the kids.
    hmmm.
    anyway, i have given up on getting followers or even the attention of friends. i call this my “van gogh move” i am just making art to make art & everyone can fuck off ❤
    i consider this a bit of evolving from my sylvia plath phase, which i thankfully survived….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Loved the analogy, “Van Gogh Phase.” 🙂
      See, you don’t have to give up on followers, you can take very basic measures which will give you 1 to 2 followers every day or something. But this articles was for those who use cliches to say they will increase your followers by 1000 in a day.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. it’s strange. since i have given up, i do venture out from behind my wall more–reaching out to others–rather than just sitting behind my barriers & cursing everyone for not loving me.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Don’t worry FRIEND, I won’t give you any positive feedback at the very least. 🙂 Kidding. Truly, I’m kidding. I enjoy “How I Met Your Mother, as well as “The Big Bang Theory.” for pretty much the same reasons.
    See, I read the entire post. I didn’t just glance through it. Hahahaha!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m 70, love your witty posts except for two words you use profusely. Don’t be unfair to people with writing comment like’ beautiful…’ as for me my English vocabulary is very poor. For this post, a huge :):):)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not trying to be disrespectful to anyone. That’s the last thing in trying to do. When I talked about those comments, it was meant for those bloggers who drop that same comment on hundred posts, hoping they’ll get ten more followers.
      As for the two mean words, for me, sometimes wit comes at a cost. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I read lots of posts like them but when it comes to comment, I’m at loss of words. My English knowledge and vocabulary is horrible when comes to writing. I enjoy reading. I understand what you mean. Words are okay where they are needed but when they become habit… Well, it’s the trend nowadays, who I am to object. Wish you all the best.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. So many comments, but I forgot them all when you reminded me I have recently began to believe I am the second coming of Christ. I will save you all, but it’s gonna hurt. And you won’t believe it till I am dead.

    Like

  11. Nicely done. I have written similar before (sadly deleted during an anxiety and depression episode) and even did a post series where I randomly liked and followed recommended blogs in the WordPress reader one time, then graphed the visitor and reciprocal likes that came from it just to write about how shallow it all was. Lots of followers never seen again after that post… Personally don’t give a fuck about your f-bombs. Hitting follow genuinely now.

    Like

    1. Personal experience, I have roughly 650 followers, and not even 50 view the posts I publish. I only follow 68, because that’s all I can manage. If I like what the post is saying and I’d prefer to listen to more of that kind, then I follow.
      And well, you’re in for a treat if you don’t mind the f-bombs. 🙂

      Like

  12. I loved the fact that you hid the kernel of truth inside of your sarcasm. Blogging is about building a relationship with your reader. It certainly doesn’t happen over night; in the world of blogging or the stark reality of our lives. Wonderful post.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. But I did love this and I did think that it’s a brilliant post! Truly though, I like couples like Lily and Marshall a whole bunch. I don’t find them boring really, more comforting. I kinda find the flaky on off couples less interesting to watch. A lot of stuff seems really wrapped up in the initial spark and meeting but the real good stuff is what comes later – in my most humble opinion, captain sir. Also, laughed so damn much at the picture that says “now I just drink it for evil”!

    Liked by 1 person

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