After three days of gloom, here we are. Three days of too much introspection, three agonizing day of suffering in misery of my own making. I could write about it again but I’ve been doing that for three days.
Eternal Sadness Cloaked with Brief Smiles
My Words Betrayed Me Today
A Man’s Journey Through His Own Hell
Today once again I’m going to something unexpected. This pessimist is going to show his gratitude to all the optimists that he knows. My dearest friends, you all know who you are. I always go out of my ways to be there for you because you do that for me. All of you stayed with me in a period which only lasted for three days. But these three days have taught me a lot.
Continue reading “Inktober 2017 – Day Thirteen to Fifteen Entry – Gratitude”
For the last two days, I’ve been discussing all that I am feeling with few of my friends. And these notes are highly influenced with those conversations. And last warning, it is a long post. Seventeen hundred words. So if you want to, you know the next part of the sentence. Today I am going to do something unexpected. Today I’ll share with you the rawest notes that I take. Unfiltered notes. No editing, no reshuffling, no sugar-coating. None of that shit. Today, let me show you how I write as I go through my day.
No matter what, I am not going to let my writing be affected. Some of it is crap but a lot of it is good shit.
Continue reading “A Man’s Journey Through His Own Hell”
And just like that, you’re someone else. No warnings, no tell-tale signs, no gut feeling. One moment ago, you were your usual self and the very next moment, you shut yourself down completely. I can feel it coming. For the next few days, I’m not going to talk to anybody. I hate my own existence right now.
If you ever had the chance to know me, you’d have known how much I hate changes. Too much is changing these last few days. There are too many inevitable confrontation I’m trying to avoid. Confrontation that will shatter the glass of security which holds my existence together.
There is a quote, depression isn’t a fault of character but chemistry. I have no idea why I just said that. My words often betray me.
Continue reading “My Words Betrayed Me Today”
There is this feeling, you know, like just leave everything behind and walk away. It’s thirty-seven past three in the night as I am typing this. There is this eerie silence which carves your skull as you stare at the dark alleys. Lately, I’ve been feeling this drag, you know, I feel emotionally exhausted. And that’s what I’m saying, I feel emotionally exhausted, physically I feel fine. My hygiene, my routine, all are same. I just feel as if something is weighing me down. I’m still doing all the things that I enjoy doing. My creative output is similar, if not increased. It’s just that I do not get any joy out of it lately.
There is this sadness inside you, this void which just can’t be filled. You try your best to keep yourself engaged just so that you can avoid the confrontation you’re so desperately trying to avoid. See, even my hands are shivering as I am trying to write the next sentence. And everyone who knows me, or is influenced by me in any regards, will be worried sick if they read it. But I have to write it, for my sake, to make some sense out of it. Depression doesn’t make any sense.
I don’t know if what I am feeling right now can be clinically classified as depression. But like I said, there is this void which just doesn’t seem to be filled. No matter what I try. You just want to be left behind. Atleast I do. In my case, talking doesn’t help. It only irritates me more. And don’t worry, I do not feel suicidal. Far from it.
Continue reading “Inktober 2017 – Day Thirteen Entry – Eternal Sadness Cloaked With Brief Smiles”
There’s a quote by Einstein. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. My father’s a human. He is as flawed as they come. He has some really bad qualities. And he has his goods too. I cannot see the best in people. I try to but it just doesn’t come naturally to me. That’s inherent to me. So his bad qualities generally overshadow his positives for me.
It’s upto you. If you have tried your best and you have observed something to be the end result ten out of ten times. Trying it once more will be insanity. It’s upto you whether you want to be insane or you want your brief moment of sanity.
Continue reading “Inktober 2017 – Day Twelve Entry – Brief Moment of Sanity”
Today I was re-reading some of my earlier writings. For example, the one I am about to share with you was written in November 2016. And before you end finding similarity between this and, “A Love Story?” Let me save you some trouble. There are lot of similarities. After all, first novels are always auto-biographical. I wanted to write my own story and I did started with this short story (Though there are heavily fictionalized scenes). Somewhere in-between writing this, I gave up on it and simply stopped writing prose altogether.
In that particular period, I only focused on poetry. Now, when I stared, “A Love Story?” it was a random experiment and I ended up using this as a framework for certain scenes. So bear with me if you think I am a horrible writer. Other than that, enjoy.
Emptiness of Silence
It’s an old saying, “It’s the darkest before dawn.” Well I’m still waiting for that first ray of sunshine. It’s my story and I’ll tell it exactly the way I want to. If you’re asking why so gloomy, well it’s because my little adventure on this little shitsville has been anything but a gloomy Sunday.
Continue reading “Inktober 2017 – Day Eleven Entry – Emptiness of Silence”
Through the grilled window, the hues of red and dirty yellow light from the street lamp is flooding my room as I am writing this. The entire room, except for those streaks of light, is emerged in darkness and the light from the screen of my smartphone is illuminating my otherwise grim face. I could talk a lot about tame and as I am typing it I have no idea where I’ll end up or what I’ll end up with.
That is quite a common occurrence with my rants. I start with one thought and somewhere in-between, I drift towards something entirely else. My Silent friend, you and I have this disadvantage, that we know each other through words.
Continue reading “Inktober 2017 – Day Ten Entry – Dirty Yellow Light”
Check out the Inktober 2017 gallery here: Inktober 2017 Entries
Last night, I was chatting with one of my dear friend (I guess I do chat a lot) and the conversation mainly focused on doubting your words. Whether or not they have any originality. A little conversation and here we are. Another entry into the Diary of a Madman.
There is an old saying, there is a difference between practicing what you preach and preaching only after you have preached. I talk a lot about writing ugly. Now, what I’ve always meant by that is rather simple. Do not censor your words, do not limit them with rules and regulations. Do not worry of a particular word reads good or not. That word exists for a reason.
Continue reading “Inktober 2017 – Day Nine Entry – What To Write”