There are so many moments in my life when I have felt this particular emotion. What is the fucking point of anything? I’ll die one day. The earth will keep moving. And on the scale of universal, my existence would be nothing but a spackle of dust in a never-ending desert. Another wind and I’ll stop existing.
My favorite place to hang while I am in my lab is on the staircase. Don’t worry, I go there when I am waiting on one of my experiments. There is one single window there and if I have to guess its dimensions, I’ll say it’s most probably 4 feet by 3 feet. It is a big ass window.
Lately, well 13th July to be exact, I have shifted my focus on this little activity where we try to weave a web of imaginary using our words. It is called creative writing. Now I could have simply said writing but where is the fun in that. How could have I possibly feed my need for appreciation? Come see my grave built in my head. Sounds random? I don’t know but this particular little tale of horror just doesn’t seem to abandon me.
I guess either I am getting lazy or my hunger is changing. Initially it used to be about metabolic pathways, immunological reactions or technical issue in experimental designs. As of late I have given my undivided attention to my words. And it’s a bittersweet tale. I will say that I have improved as a writer, there isn’t a doubt there. For fuck sake, I wrote almost five thousand words yesterday and they weren’t crap. Unlike this post. And as a matter of fact, I am going to keep most of them for the chapter that I have planned. Now the bitter part is, I also have to write a research article of my discoveries that I have made in the last two years of my research on HIV. And in case, it isn’t evident by now. I have written nada about that.
Shit. Every time I sit to write something (Well I have to read at least ten research papers before I sit to write), I just seem to find something else to do. And no, I have no solution for it, atleast not now. I guess I am rambling now. Life is getting hectic now. It is becoming a bit overwhelming. How the fuck Asimov managed to do so much? Ahh, I need to manage my cussing too. I generally do not use fuck in my speech so much. I guess, writing makes me somewhat aware of my hidden anger. Well, that would be a lie, I guess, I am well aware of my anger. After all I have punched the wall in my room at least on ten different occasions. And those are the ones I remember on top of my head. There are many more.
I am confused about so many things. And to even believe that other people in my life consider me to be the most vigilant person they have ever met. The mind boggles. Now don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy my work. But that is in the moment of it. It just doesn’t keep me awake the way it used to do before. You know, the whole first love dilemma? That way. I guess I have settled into it.
For the first time, I am actually understand FOMO. Well, in case you don’t know what that is, it stands for, “Fear Of Missing Out.” My OCD definitely doesn’t help. For god sake, I have been sleeping for barely five hours each day for almost two months now. And yet, there is so little that I have managed to do. Or achieve, whatever suits your palate.
You know those screams that pierce through your skin. The guttural scream you make as if someone just ripped your throat apart (Ahh, too much gore). I want to scream like that. Only if I could. Unlike Dr. Henry Morgan, I do lack time. I want to crawl and hide somewhere. Everything is going against the very fibre of my nature. I never prefer to speak my mind out. I like my solitude. And fuck, I have made seven new friends in last two months. To keep that statement in context, if you keep these seven aside, I have two friends. Two friends in my twenty-four year of life. I am not saying that I do not like these seven people. I have had some of my best discussions with these little rays of sarcastic sunshine.
I have gotten close to them after two much pondering and analysing. Yeah, I do that. I figure people out the way I figure out an experiment. And no, that isn’t an insult. It’s a compliment. Atleast by my standards. I have to make sense of all this chaos or I am bound to go insane.
I haven’t read the way I like to for such a long time now. This particular post or write-up is just a way to get it all out. I read it once, whatever conflicting feelings you have, writing them out often helps you figure them out. Let’s see what I figure out. I guess I should reset my life. If only there was a viable option of ctrl-alt-del. Or maybe I need to listen to “Disasterpiece” on repeat. Or maybe, just maybe, I need a very long Slipknot session. That always seems to pump me up.
Update 1:
Fuck, I started writing this post based on the daily prompt Athletic and what the hell happened. Sometimes even I am surprised by my stream of consciousness. Ah, it happens. Shit happens.
Update 2:
I have no intention of writing a different post to share my drawing for day two of Inktober 2017. So without further ado, here is the drawing based on the prompt, “Divided.” And I am pretty sure you can fit the prompt athletic here too. Mr. Hetfield is one of the most athletic front-man I know of.
Looking for more pen and ink sketches? You can find them in the gallery.
That sketch is AMAzingg!
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Thank you so much. Overall a good thing. 🙂
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🙂
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Perfect sketch for my mood today, except there’d be tears of frustration added. I’m not listening, watching or reading any news today. It’s all too much!
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Alright, don’t think that I’m insensitive but what news?
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50 dead from shooting here in US
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Oh shit.
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Anything with the word Trump in it
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Yeah. The political part is something that makes me even more of an angry jerk. You know
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Yes, very frustrating. I think that’s why there’s so much protest that leads to violence and our president instigates it. He’s like a 2 yr old with his daily tantrums and his “my blank is bigger th an your blank” mentality
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Rugby, see, I’m an Indian and I might not know all about the politics in your country. But hypocrisy is global and I personally believe him to be one of the biggest hypocrite I have possibly seen. But then again, those are my personal views.
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I agree!😫
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It’s just sad. The mentality of people.
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Or lack of it.
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Ha. I like your rendition.
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Where is this divided prompt happening???
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The anger
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The anger??
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The dude is one of the nicest person you’ll ever watch. Considering that he is the front man for a metal band. So anger divides his personality. In that way.
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Oh God. I am asking is it contribution to some kinda drawing challenge.
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Yep
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Where is that challenge. How come i never find one.
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Don’t you know about inktober? I wrote a post about it on 30th September.
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No. Let me chk
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Alright
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Got it!!
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Feel excited enough to participate?
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I have never done inking.
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So what? You aren’t participating to win. You’re participating to learn.
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I will look for something else once i have wifi. I know i wont be able to do this. I m still terrible at graphite charcoal. Need to learn a lot.
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Can I punch you? 😂
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Why now what did i do??
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Why?? Now what did i do
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There are no rules in creativity, Alyana. If you’ve never done inking, this is a perfect opportunity for you. There isn’t any judgments, only support.
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Actually i dont want to. And i really dont have time get into whole new genre which i am not that interested in to be honest.
Currently i am mesmerized by cubism and i saw cubism with charcoal…so thats next probably.
Abhi i just dont feel like trying it. You have to be deeply in love with a medium and art form to try it you need to be passionate.
It brings me bad memories of school when we switched to pen from pencil.. it was 1 heck of a mess.
I still use pencils.
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Well OK then. I prefer ink over graphite. So it is about personal preference. That part I understand without any doubt.
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🙂
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For example, my pencil set has more pencils than my ink pens. And even those are expensive than pens. Yet I try to avoid them as much as I can. 🙂
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Expensive in the sense, better quality. 😁
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Which ones?? Brand??
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Staedtler
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Coloured or graphite??
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Try writing it as a wp entry, the HIV thing, then edit out the ‘fuck’s and junk.
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That’s a nice idea but I am afraid it’ll become too technical.
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Sounds like you need Sandman to enter? I’m not sure…
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Metallica joke? 🙂
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Metallica is no joke, but it was a lame reference…
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Damn, Grabbety. Metallica fan?
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I’m pretty eclectic when it comes to music… Metallica suffered from over play on the radio here and I suffered some burn out from it but, yes. Metallica is a phenomenal band.
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OK. Then one last question, you prefer Metallica before the black album or after it, you know until “Reload?”
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Well, black was their biggest selling album, right? I’m the pick and choose fan. I pick sings off each album I like. As far as a preference of when they’re best stuff occurs, I think Hardwired is pretty close
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Then you prefer their pre-black era. And Grabbety, just because something sells doesn’t make it the artist’s best work.
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It sure doesn’t…it just makes them rich. Then they can afford to do what they want no matter what! And that’s what they’re doing
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Agreed. Favourite tracks on hardwired?
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Now That We’re Dead
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Interesting. I like “Spit Out The Bone’ & “Halo On Fire,” equally. In addition, I prefer “Hardwired, Atlas Rise, Moth Into Flame and Confusion.”
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Halo On Fire is good, I also like Murder One.
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For me, it’s on the lower side of preference. But I guess you figured that out. 🙂
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I’m a sucker for ballads too, so
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Yeah. Have you listened to Epica?
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No…pretty good?
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If you love ballads, then yes. Very good. Try, “the Phantom agony” first
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Ok. I will
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Great
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It’s like a rock opera
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Listened to it?
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Just the song samples on iTunes right now.
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It’s available on YouTube. If you just want to try.
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Cool! I’ll check it out
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You ever listen to Lacey Strum?
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Lacey Sturm, sorry
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She used to be in Flyleaf
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Never heard of either. I’ll check it out. Genre?
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Metal. I don’t know about you but, for me, women singing metal tend to wear in my ears. I guess it’s the frequency, it makes every song sound the same. Lacey Sturm and Amy Lee are the only ones that seem to break that cycle, for me. I can listen to them a lot.
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I’ll give it a go.
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Happy listening
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🤘🙂
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Hello, First, whether or not you like it or not…I find your writing powerful, and if you want to say “Fuck” as many times…go for it!!! It’s a release! Secondly, Yes, your sketches are a true art form. Outstanding in fact. Thirdly, I look forward to reading your writings daily. You inspire me to become a better writer. I should experience more outburst, and really be who I truly am. Scared, saddened, and living inside my own head frightens me a great deal of the time.
So…With that being said. I thank you for your ramblings.
Beck
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Why wouldn’t I like it? I told you once, you’re one of the most sincere readers I have ever known. Right? 🙂
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Yes, yes you have my friend. 🙂
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Sorry for the late catch up fella, only got around to checking out your Inktober sketches.
They’re great, well done for keeping it up. We’re nearly a third through now, some tricky prompt words coming up that I haven’t got plans for. I’m sure inspiration will come from somewhere.
Anyway, just to say – this drawing is the business!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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I love your sketches. Very expressive. Writing too. One friend told me what you use is ‘ Lufz-E- Sukoon’. Relieving. I would love to outburst like this but after two lines I’m exhaused. Don’t knowthis comment means anything to you. Like your style.
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It means the world to me,these are the reasons I post everyday. 🙂
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🙂
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